Vietnam Brought Me Back To Life.

Vietnam brought me back to life. When I arrived  in Ho Chi Minh, I had a deep feeling that I had failed. I had struggled to take pictures in Loas and Cambodia that I truly loved. My sole purpose for going on this journey was to take pictures and discover who I was as a photographer. What added to this feeling was I had gone to the War Remnant Museum, when I had just arrived and I remember feeling so moved by the photography. How it exposed the truth about the Vietnam war and thinking at that time, that this is what photography was about. A big part of me wanted my photographs to mean something, to tell a story. I wasn’t there yet and I judged myself for it. I was suffering because I had certain expectations of where I should be at this point and I felt I was nowhere close.  Ho Chi Minh made me stop, accept the fear of not knowing and just let it go. I cried a lot. Spent a lot of time in my dormitory, hardly went out. I moved to different hostels until I accepted that it was my mindset that had to change and not the place.

Something inside me said take a 36 hour long bus up north, to Hanoi. The bus ride was long but it was calming and freeing, I could look out and watch what was around me without any pressure of having to capture it. I could enjoy my surroundings. I thought about everything, I let go of things. I was ok being by myself. I arrived in Hanoi early in the morning at around 5am, my backpack was soaked in fish water but I didn’t care. Hanoi instantly felt different. It was old, gritty and just thick with history and stories. It ticked all my boxes and I started feeling the excitement bubble up again. Oh how I missed that feeling.  One of my most favourite days, was when I headed to Long Bien Bridge. Wow!, There was so much going on. I could feel this amazing sense of peace and happiness inside me. I spent the whole day there. I was obsessed Hanoi, I would wake up in the early hours of the morning, walk the streets and take tons of pictures. I loved the commotion and the chaos of it all. The food was to die for, the coffee kept you up all night and the city was always alive. This is what I was needing. I spent a few more days in Hanoi and then it was time to head further north.

I went to a small town called Ha Giang where I spent Christmas alone, I didn’t quite enjoy that. I was meant to hire a scooter and do the Ha Giang loop but I decided not to, I didn’t know how to ride a motorbike well and I wasn’t confident enough to risk it. After Christmas I got on a bus and headed to Sapa. That was when I met May. The moment I got out of the bus I was greeted by several guides and for some reason I was drawn to May. I told her where I was going and told her that I would be keen to do a trek the following day. We exchanged numbers and I told her I would contact her the next day. I find it interesting how sometimes energies just pull you when you are open, and like I said before when the energy is good, it always feels light and easy. A friend that I had met at the homestay was also keen to go on a hike, so her and I met up with May and we all went on the hike together. I learnt that May was only 18 years old, and she had always wanted to be a guide and took the necessary courses to make it happen. May was kind, patient and open. I liked learning and spending time with her. She told me her and her family had a homestay. I didn’t really have a plan so I decided I would stay there for a few days. I usually just went with the flow and let the universe guide me and it never failed me. She made the most amazing meals, so delicious. I would spend time playing cards with her brothers and sometimes I would help her sister with her homework.

 While I was there she invited me to go along with her to the one year anniversary of a family members passing. She dressed me in traditional attire and we headed off. When we arrived we were greeted by cries of sorrow, singing and smoke. Some of the family members were inside taking part in the mourning ritual. There were men by the fire preparing the meat,  groups of women in the corner and around the bend teenagers and young kids playing. It felt familiar, it felt as if I was back home. Every time there was a gathering, there was always that familiar feeling in the air. That feeling of being brought together by love and sadness at the same time. It was heavy but light, joyful but sad. I was lucky to meet May’s beautiful grandparents. I struggled to leave May and her family. They had been so kind but I had to move on to the next adventure.

I spent a short time in Ninh Binh province and Hoi An, which were great but not for me. I was meant to go to one of the famous Islands off Halong Bay but I decided to head to the lesser-known Island called Co To. I wanted something off the beaten track, that wouldn’t be crowded by tourists. I found out where to get the boat and off I went. I got there just before New Year’s Eve. I found a cute Home Stay and that was it. For dinner, I decided to treat myself on New Year’s Eve and ordered a whole crab to celebrate the last day of the year. The crab wasn’t that great, I didn’t get why people rave about it so much. You have to work so damn hard to get a tiny morsel of meat. What’s the point. I decided to have a chilled night in and planned to wake up early and watch the New Year sunrise on the beach. That didn’t happen, I woke up late, stumbled out of bed and walked down the street trying to figure out what I was going to eat. While I looking at the not so many options, I was approached by a very energetic lady. She took out her phone and started to use google translate to invite me to her home for breakfast and of course I said yes, once again I had no plans. While we waited for her husband to bring back what he had caught and while she prepared the vegetables and rice, I was watching TV. As I was watching, the news popped up and I saw the date on the screen and it said 31/12/2019 and I laughed out loud because I couldn’t believe that I had spent the whole of yesterday believing it was New Year’s Eve and even made a big deal about it, with my not so great whole crab. That was funny. He came back with everything you could think of, squid, different types of fish, you name it. She made an amazing meal out of it. I enjoyed breakfast with her and her family who I had met two hours ago. Life is beautiful. After the meal my new friend decided to take me around the island on her scooter. On our way back we spotted this young boy with an eagle and decided to stop and take pictures. It was a beautiful, spontaneous day. She dropped me off at my homestay and our plan was to meet up for dinner. She was high, high energy but I really enjoyed our random and spontaneous connection.

The next day I had to head to back to Hanoi to catch my flight out of Vietnam. I spent that night talking to my friend Gustavo, he was also in Hanoi and that would be the last time I saw him. I had decided to go back to India. It had been calling me back, the moment I left.